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| Funds raised by PEARR go to Women In Distress of Broward County, Inc., the only state certified, nationally accredited, full-service domestic violence center in the county. Women In Distress provides victims of domestic abuse with a 24-hour hotline, shelter, counseling, and educational programs. |
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
In an effort to complete our mission, deeming nothing impossible with infinite idealism and the World Wide Web at our fingertips, we decided that it was time to get a little bit more descriptive. Literary logos and melodic objectives are essential, as they provide framework and often times, inspiration. But those musings are sometimes just that…words. We are, by no means, knocking the power of the written word, because we intend to use that power right now, creating an undercurrent, or dare we even suggest, a storm of conversation leading to action. Yet, it is the word without the act that sometimes renders the former useless. Feel free to challenge that statement. In fact, we invite you to respond because then we will have a conversation, the beginning of action.
It is in fact ironic that here, in an auxiliary devoted to preventing relationship violence that we are calling into the question the consequences of words. Are we not evoking the lessons learned from “sticks and stones?” Before we go any further into the importance of actions, we must first ask, can words truly never harm us? After all, we can probably each recall a moment in time when we experienced the sting of the spoken word, the stab of an expletive. Why then did our parents teach us that infamous response about stones and sticks when faced with a barrage of nasty words?
We suggest that their purpose was not to toughen us up or improve our rhyming skills, because tough or fragile, sometimes words really do hurt. Rather, the purpose of that response was and continues to be, a way to diffuse a situation that would likely escalate to violence. Fighting words lead to fights.
This is not a comment on free speech, as we are exercising that right, right now. This is a comment on the words used between people in relationships, whether that relationship is in the schoolyard, in a dorm room, or in the bedroom next to the baby’s playroom. We mention schoolyard in particular because that goes to the education component of our mission. So much of dating and domestic violence finds its roots in the relationships among school-age children.
We are not being so unrealistic as to say that fights among children and adults alike will not happen. It’s human nature to not only disagree, but to argue. People argue with their significant others. They yell, pout, get frustrated. But there’s a difference between arguing with someone and degrading someone. There’s that moment when respect, if there ever was any, dissolves into control. And if all of the education in the world can’t teach someone to have respect in relationships, then maybe it’s time to remind the person on the receiving end of the hurtful words, to employ the lesson of sticks and stones. It really is okay to turn around and walk away. It’s okay to run away screaming. Just because the bruises are not immediately visible does not mean it’s any less painful or humiliating than a punch to the jaw. Those horrible words are an example of domestic violence. It’s not the headline grabber of “Man guilty of killing of ex-girlfriend,” that we see too often in our local newspapers, but let’s make it our “mission” to not let it get that far – because it all too often does get that far.
There is a lot of power in the word, both written and spoken. We need to wield the power for positive action rather than watch as the words escalate into acts of violence. We welcome your comments, your suggestions, your help.
9 Comments:
test2
Sadly, this world has become a scary place to live. We're always looking over our shoulder to protect ourselves, our innocent children, our property. Remember that old Coca-Cola commercial? I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony? If everyone would just stop and think before they let their anger and emotions take over them, perhaps slowly we'd begin to see more love than hate all around us.
yes, sunny you are so correct...spirits get squashed if not physically, then emotionally...and makes it pass on a lighter spirit to future generations.
Free speech as an ideal is the foundation of our democracy yet we have seen free speech reach incredible lows, a forum to degrade, to oppress, to manipulate, to propogandize. What is said in the name of free speech often crosses boundaries of ethics and moralilty. Yet what society today reflects is the shameful degredation of expression. It is in our media, in our cultural icons and at our athletic venues, in our advertising. What we hear, what we see, in the name of free speech seems to have no boundaries. Respect; the concept, the behaviours, the definition itself seems lost. I know that there are so many of us who have raised children, who are raising children, engaging in the noble and honorable charge of educating them to understand respect, dignity, and ethical behaviour. Sometimes it seems to be a losing battle. This past week in our media we have seen the fallout of Don Imus' comments on the radio airwaves, and the dialogue that has followed. We need to keep these dialogues going. Free speech is to be protected, to be honored, to be preserved but as with all rights come responsibilities; this is the piece that has gone missing, lost to the idea of individual entitlement to take, to say, to abuse, as much as necessary as a means to an end with no apology. Our society has allowed the lines to be blurred. Words without actions render the words useless? No. Words will always be powerful in and of themselves, if only to open dialogues, to remind us of their power, and of our responsibility to wield this power with respect, with civility, and with intent to teach our kids what free speech was all about, and the social responsibility that needs to come with this right. Words are indeed powerful, and when offensive we have the choice to walk away, or to engage action. Respect begins with each of us on our own doorstep, society will reflect what individuals choose to do in their private lives. Violence is in part the child of ignorance. Let us continue to educate ourselves, our children, who will then go out into the world (we hope) and reflect what they have learned. We can help them reject the negative barrage from our media and cultural idolatry through our commitment to respect and to the authenticity and honor of free speech, as it was intended, not as it has been abused. Awareness can banish the ignorance that perpetuates violence and disrespect. Everyone who is committed to spreading awareness, no matter what the cause, is teaching respect and dignity along the way.
I am fortunate in that I, nor my family members have ever been a victim of physical violence or domestic abuse. What I have come to realize, however; is that thinking back...there were many instances in which situations could have escalated from a disagreement into a physical altercation. We were lucky. Many others have not been. I hope that by "growing awareness" individuals in unhealthy relationships will realize that it is OKAY to run away screaming. Help is out there. Unfortunately Sunny, I think we're past the point where we can teach the world to sing, and it is sad. What we can do is teach that you don't have to accept a bad situation because you have no other option.
Sue - wow that was some impressive response.
Sticks and stones: I had never thought about the childhood rhyme until reading this blog and now I feel badly about having passed it along as a parent myself. But I do think violent words are too widely accepted in our society as ok. Actually most of talk radio is based on meanspiritedness being regarded as downright entertaining. And a lot of dv survivors think they weren't in dv relationships because they weren't actually physically assaulted.
I have been in two relationships with individuals who would become verbally abusive when I would ask what was wrong. Each of them would retreat into a cold, distant silence and I would 'correctly' get the message that something had upset them. I came from a belief system where it was better to talk things out so I would bravely head into the lion's den and encourage the person to talk it out. Many years later, I realized that I could have been categorized as "asking for it." So now I don't even need to hear angry violent words to walk away...if I see any indication of anger or tension in the behavior of a person or in their facial expression or whatever, I remove myself from the situation. Age has taught me to be a little more self defensive in dealing with anyone's anger and I highly recommend it to others.
I completely agree that violent words are far too widely accepted in society. An affront and far too casually tossed about. I spoke with my college age sophomore son this week as was the impulse,I beleive, of every parent in the wake of Virginia Tech. Feeling him out I was disconcerted to see how little this was being discussed in his circles. Other parents I know of had the same comment to make confirming my reaction. All of us found that our sons/daughters were not particularly moved by the events on a college campus far from them. They had heard about it, but it seemed like just one more bad headline in their world. They seem somehow removed (immune?) or perhaps self absorbed in the typical 20 something manner. Now more than ever we need to be a positive force in society to take back civility in language and action. To serve as an example, if only for a small circle of our own. I want to believe that the circles are concentric and positive examples can spread from one to the other, ever outward and further afield.
In response to anon's reference to "asking for it"..... I am constantly thinking about the whole concept. Yes, we make our own choices and should be able to get out of any situation at any time. But the whole concept of emotional (and other types of) abuse is that our whole self becomes compromised. We hear the cutting words over and over and we believe them. We are told that we are wrong when we try to express our feelings. We are led to believe that every bad situation is our fault. We start to question our every action and word. While someone in a healthy relationship whose sense of self is not being compromised can look into our relationship and say "you are in a bad relationship" and "it is all your fault that you are in that situation", it is not that easy when you are in the center. How do you respond to that? When you are in that situation, all you have is an overall sense of discontent, low self confidence, trouble making decisions and trusting your judgement. Emotional abuse turns our worlds upside down. The scary part of it is that the very nature of it renders us partially unable to recognize the problem and get ourselves out of it. This makes the whole situation absolutely terrifying.
I think this sticks and stones blog is really interesting given the Alex Baldwin discussions going on in the media. I am sad to hear so many people saying that ANY parent if caught on tape could be embarrassed by what they have said to their children in anger. I DO NOT agree. Name calling (selfish little pig????) is never ok. It is really distressing that it is obviously so rampant that an individual feels comfortable publically supporting rather than being horrified by destructive parenting.
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