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| Funds raised by PEARR go to Women In Distress of Broward County, Inc., the only state certified, nationally accredited, full-service domestic violence center in the county. Women In Distress provides victims of domestic abuse with a 24-hour hotline, shelter, counseling, and educational programs. |
Sunday, April 29, 2007
On behalf of the Executive Council of PEARR, we thank you for reading the first blog entry, and to those of you who commented on it, disagreed with it, or merely thought about it, we applaud you. It is our hope that discussion will lead to action, and collective action, dare we say, could even lead to the eradication of dating and domestic violence. But how do we do that…really, how do we do that? We already discussed the power of words, and maybe that’s a good beginning and we are on the right track. But how do we spread the “word” that the mark of domestic violence can be a shattered soul just as much as it can be a fractured arm? How do we “grow awareness” and literally, make people understand that this is not an epidemic endemic to those in trailer parks, crack houses, and the lowest tax bracket?We all have read the statistics, but we suggest that where words may just be letters on a page, statistics may be just numbers unless we really internalize what they mean. Intellectually, we all know that domestic violence is pervasive and afflicts our best friends, neighbors, and colleagues. But when we find out our friend has been brutalized or maybe just told she is worthless one too many times by her “adoring” partner (because qualifying that phrase with the word “just,” illustrates the marginalization of the effect of the spoken word), somehow we are surprised or shocked. The issue may not be so much as to whether we should be surprised, as that’s probably human nature. Rather, we need to qualify our surprise. Are we surprised that our best friend, who we know so well, could be keeping this horror from us – or, are we surprised that such horror could enter our lives, our sanctuary and we be completely ignorant to its existence?
To that end, we offer an example brought up by one of our readers. The Virginia Tech murders, very rightly shocked everyone, as it was the greatest shooting massacre in American history. But as our reader points out, when discussing the tragedy with her college-aged son, she learned it wasn’t being discussed among his friends. Is that because tragedy has become so common that we have grown to accept it…or is it that, just as in the case of domestic violence, it’s much easier to see it as a horror elsewhere, rather than in our own backyard (even though our intellect tells us that it can happen on any college campus, in any relationship)?
Maybe it’s a protective mechanism. If we see the violence as happening to someone else, far away from our safe haven, then maybe we can convince ourselves that we are immune. But truth be told, that is the easy way out, and ultimately, what may seem like a quick fix for our own psyche is probably the ultimate act of selfish toward victims everywhere. After all, doesn’t the “it can’t happen to me” attitude necessarily place blame on those to whom it did happen?
And consider this, have we all fallen victim to a culture that, for all intents and purposes, segregates and quiets victims? The week of April 23rd was Victims’ Rights Week, but there was barely a scintilla of publicity found. Rather, President Bush danced on television on National Malaria Awareness Day in an effort to eradicate malaria. While the malaria epidemic in Africa may very well be a cause worth our attention, does its place in the spotlight necessarily cast Victims’ Rights in the shadow? Maybe, and arguably even worse, it was never a question of one over the other, but rather publicity for victims’ rights was never even considered.
So now, it our effort to grow awareness, we think it is time to take the path less comfortable, and face the reality that domestic and dating violence does victimize our friends, colleagues, neighbors, and even us. So, we ask you…how do we take that path? How do we stop “blaming the victim,” accept the problem, effectuate change, and protect ourselves?
4 Comments:
I think we need to expose all of our society's dark potential to our children, our friends, and our acquantainces. A happy child raised in a good family full of love does not know how to recognize the "little red flags". Her parents are affectionate and fully respectful to each other. But when she begins dating and her boyfriend becomes a bit possessive or jealous, she may find it different, but she has no idea the whirlwind shes about to experience. She doesn't know that it only escalates and she doesn't know to recognize it as abnormal because she has never been shown or told. She begins to accept the actions as "normal" because no one told her such things were wrong and unacceptable. And being sheltered for her whole life made her believe that everyone was good.
[[[[[The "perfect examples" that the lucky few got to see in their happy parents wasn't enough. On the flip side, the average kid experiences the violence and abuse, and therefore expects it and accepts it as normal. neither one is equipped to face and leave the situations they will face]]]]]
So she might be lucky to get out of that first "not quite right" relationship. But the next two will be worse. Yes she still believes everyone is good and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. She lives with her next two boyfriends, each one a bit more violent or abusive and a bit more harmful to her self esteem. Something serious happens with the second one. The police give her some protection. But it isn't enough. No one tells her she doesn't deserve it. She lives scared for the next few years and doesn't trust anyone. She can't even talk to her family. If the one she trusted with her life could hurt her and did, who wouldn't? her neck is a constant know from looking over her shoulder. She drinks alot, it makes her nerves settle. it allows her to make friends and feel less self conscious. It gives her some much-needed confidence. After of few years of "running scared" she meets someone she can connect to. Of course she's drunk, thats the only time she can open up. She thinks this one might actually work. Things go well at first as long as she's drinking. The first year goes well, as far as she can see. But she realizes that she's isolated from the few friends she has. She's not allowed to do the things she loves, and she can tell from her constant indecisiveness that her confidence is at an all time low. But this is the turning point: she recognizes how wrong the situation is. She knows that a day spent without him means a day she can actually do her job at work.
She procrastinates, doesn't have the energy. But then she makes the move. She walks away from the whole thing. For good. He loses it. She knew he would. But she keeps herself safe. She played the game smart this time. She told her friends. She changed her locks. And he begged and he tried but she was strong.
So she made it. She learned to recognize a healthy relationship, or at least the lack of it.
But this was a girl who grew up in the happy home with the homemade cookies and church every weekend.
Raising our children by example, showing them respect and healthy relationships, unfortunately, doesn't protect them. unfortunately, that is not enough.
Wow..."anonymous" is so right. The world is ever changing, for the worst, unfortunately. It's all over our local news and world news. Everyone needs to be more educated on simple things such as this...healthy relationships. There's pressure out there with adults trying to make ends meet, trying to give their kids a decent lifestyle. The anxiety level is at its peak. More people than not are on anti-depressants and prescription drugs just to help them cope. No, it doesn't surprise me that children, teens, adults seem that people "losing it" or having domestic troubles is the norm these days. There's something totally messed up with that. But, you're right, as hard as we try to teach our children goodness, and go to church and stand up for our morals, like we were taught as children, it's their peers that can be so influential that they just want to fit in with the crowd and forget their values we taught them.
Years ago a good friend spent some time living in Africa in a camp situation. She would describe falling to sleep with the hyenas howling in the background. Given that a hyena can rip a person to pieces and that there was little between her and these animals, I was horrified to think of being in her situation. In another bit of communication, she shared hearing a gun go off before she settled down for the night. It was someone in another tent killing the snake that was in his cot. So I was really wondering how anyone could possibly sleep in this environment let alone describe the life experience as fabulous (sounded pretty darn horrendous to me.)
Actually it was the human tendency for denial that allowed her to sleep. With all the evidence of potential danger, she didn't flip out or demand to leave the next morning...but rather somehow convinced herself that she wasn't going to die by a snake bite or a hyena ripping her apart.
In our society we are well aware of the dangers of being in a car. Lots of people die that way - even being vigilant and following all the driving rules. Anyone can loose control of their car and drive right into you and life can be over. In fact, if we even considered all that could happen in an average day, we would not venture out of bed each morning.
I recently spoke with a woman whose mother was killed in an auto accident when she was 13 years old. With that experience, denial is hard to come by. It changed who she was and really challenged her in terms of ever letting someone be close to her again.
For those of us who have not had a personal experience with DV but instead have been raised on romantic movies and fairy tales about knights in white shining armor, it is hard to get our psyche to switch over to a protective stance as the norm. And really would we want to be so 'wary' of any potential suitor because he could be a monster in waiting? Do we deny a hand to all strangers because we know a Ted Bundy existed?
So yes I believe we should make sure our young people know the red flags but understand that young people in the throws of romance don't always take the prudent road.
I think we need to recognize that denial of danger is actually a necessary component of living a full life. Better I think that we look for a way to decrease the number of abusers. And that is the real challenge for this cause.
Great discussions and comments!!!! And along the same lines...I would highly encourage everyone to read "We Need to Talk About Kevin", PEARR's bookclub choice for June. Ironically, it goes hand in hand with the Virginia Tech murders.
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