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| Funds raised by PEARR go to Women In Distress of Broward County, Inc., the only state certified, nationally accredited, full-service domestic violence center in the county. Women In Distress provides victims of domestic abuse with a 24-hour hotline, shelter, counseling, and educational programs. |
Sunday, August 05, 2007
This blog is for you, our readers, and to those with whom you share these entries. We all seem to agree that it is certainly a step in the right direction to discuss dating and domestic violence. We are acknowledging its existence, rallying support for hopeful eradication, and creating awareness among law enforcement and our legislature. But is it enough that we talk about it? We can type blogs and comments until our fingers are numb and march on Washington until our legs and throats are sore, but does that really help our friend next door?As one reader wrote, what kind of person is each of us? Do we pass a car crash and assume someone else will dial 911? Do we not only dial 911, but do we also pull our own car over to the side of the road and get out to help? You tell us…how far does our obligation extend? Is it not part and parcel of being a good citizen, a decent human being, to offer tangible help to someone in need? We are not talking about charitable donations toward those suffering in Darfur (although that, of course, has its own merit), but rather helping that person in the mangled car, sitting right there on the shoulder to your left.
In keeping with this driving analogy, it is all too common for our parents and grandparents to grow old and continue to drive, not because they can, but because the DHSMV allows them to do so. Inevitably, there will be a battle to take their keys away. Maybe it won’t be a big battle and they will humbly succumb. More likely, there will first be a few fender-benders followed by an argument in which a person’s coveted independence is measured against the worse-case scenario of death and serious bodily injury to some innocent, unsuspecting driver on the road. In the end, independence will be sacrificed for the greater good, and if that means some intra-familial hatred, then so be it.
So then here’s the question…If we are willing to argue with or to be hated by our loved ones for trying to keep them safe when it comes to something like driving, why are we not willing to do it for an aunt, friend, sister, or mother in an abusive relationship? All too often, we find ourselves saying that what happens in her home, in her bed, is her business and we have no place there. But is that really true? If there are children in that household, are they any different than an innocent driver who falls victim to grandpa’s deteriorating driving skills?
If we do intervene and step up and say something, how far do we go and what specifically should we do? After a few bruised arms and bloody lips, maybe we should take it upon ourselves to call the police, rather than just offering a shoulder to lean on or an ice pack. Think about it, after a few fender-benders, we don’t usually brush it aside as minor accidents, we make it our business to take the keys away, because the argument today is well worth the investment of a safe tomorrow.
Consider the tragedy that occurred a few weeks ago when a young woman was murdered in Miramar. She was missing for about a week when her body was found in the trunk of her car in the parking garage of MIA. Ultimately, her ex-boyfriend, the father of two of her children, confessed to murdering her. It has been all over the news, but was never labeled “domestic violence.” Of course, that’s exactly what it was - and had been in the past as illustrated by the restraining order that she had against him.
Like so many survivors of domestic violence, even after the first police report is made or the first TRO application filed, there was some indication that this woman may have willingly had contact with her abuser. Just like others in similar situations, it may have been for the sake of the children or because of promises to change. Whatever the reason, this contact doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Someone knows. Someone sees it.
So if we see it or know about it…whether it was this mother in Miramar or our friend down the street, when is it our obligation to pull over and run toward the mangled car? What can we do to help the person in that awful crash? Do we call 911 when no one else will – and risk being hated or ostracized by our friends or family. Weigh in and tell us what you think. What is our obligation and how far should we go? Can you really take the keys away from your sister when you see her about to crash?
2 Comments:
Domestic violence is a crime. It is our responsibility to call 911.
But calling the police to intervene in a dangerous situation where someone may be being hurt is different from the examples you are comparing it to... taking the keys away from an elderly relative or pulling to the side of the road to assist victims of a car crash.
Taking the car keys from someone in an impaired state is the responsible thing to do because an innocent victim could be hurt or killed. You would be limiting the freedom of choice of the perpetrator.
By crossing inappropriate boundaries with a DV victim you are risking being shut out of the person's life. Then you've merely assisted the abuser in their mission to isolate the victim and have therefore inadvertently given more power and control to the abuser.
No one can make a choice for another person about leaving a domestic violence relationship and/or filing a restraining order, etc.
Women In Distress recommends that friends or family members make sure that the victim is aware of the agency's services and the 24 hour crisis line number. All of the services are free of charge and confidential.
Take into consideration the victim’s emotional timing. It is only up to the victim to construct a different reality of something you and I might see as abusive when it is pretty comfortable and safe for her. We cannot accelerate this process neither can we delay it. She might have a perfect picture of abuse in front of her and be blinded by it. Sometimes all might seem like a puzzle to her. One time she might be ready to put the puzzle together but might lack some of the pieces. Other times she might have all the pieces in front of her but not be able to put them together. And last, even if she manages to put them together, still she might not be able to make any sense of it. Only when she gets in touch with the pain in her gut and lets out that voice that screams ”This is not ok!!!” will she be ready to start making use of the tools we would hopefully have gathered and kept for her for when she would be ready. This might take years, months, days. Or it might never happen. She may be dead before it does.
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